Be Still.

Be still.

i was sitting on the plane blankly staring out the window. i was listening to my spotify “simmer down” list while thousands of different thoughts entered my head as if all at once. things i needed to do, things i should have done. what i probably forgot in my packing frenzy and how excited i am to see everyone once i land. the fact that i was in an airplane somewhere over the pacific ocean and how yesterday i had dipped my feet in the caribbean sea. i thought about how i read an entire book yesterday, (the book was Looking for Alaska by john green, whom i have quoted for over a year on a daily bases but had never actually read any of his books until yesterday) i was impressed that this was the first book in years that i actually finished and i thought about how it would be good to take up reading. i thought about writing and how i am convinced that my hair is actually getting shorter and not longer. how i need to wear more sunscreen because mexico has left me so tanned that i actually look dirty and that just can’t be good for you. i thought about all the photoshoots i managed to cram into the last few weeks in canada and how i wish i could find a glitter phone case for the iphone6. i decided i should be proud of myself for getting up early this morning and going for a run despite the 3 hours of sleep and how good it felt when i was done. i wondered how many miles i had covered in the last 2 days of 28 hours total of traveling, and in the last month going what felt like everywhere. i thought about my parents and how it will be different in kauai this time without them there and how i always hate to say goodbye. how precious the car rides to the city with my mom were and how much i enjoyed walking around chatting with my dad this morning. i missed my sister. i thought about how i have become determined to learn how to cook, and then proceeded to ask myself how in the heck i was going to do that. i wondered why people didn’t believe these white glasses were real. i watched the clouds pass and the sunlight get warmer and warmer. i noticed the highlights and shadows on peoples faces as they read of slept, the different temperatures of light pouring in the few windows that were left open on the plane and how i need to continue to push myself in learning about photography to get inspired. i thought about the mistakes i had made and the lessons i had learned. so many lessons. the time not that long ago when i thought i was never going to be okay drifted through my mind and i remembered about my breakdown day. i had come a long way since then. i couldn’t count many times i have smiled until my cheeks physically hurt and laughed until my stomach was sore in the last few months, even in the last week. i felt grateful for the circle of people who surround me and reflected on the life i was living and if it was a life that was bigger than myself. i thought about what it means to be a good friend and questioned myself if i was doing those things. i thought about grace and judgement and forgiveness and kindness and love. i thought about a lot of things.

it occurred to me that it had been a while since i had been still and reflective. since i had taken the time and the focus to actually listen to my thoughts. sometimes i get so caught up in going as fast as i can. keeping busy, always checking something on my phone in the spare seconds of the day, working, talking, singing, sleeping, heck, even reading in the last 2 days. the things that were flying through my head might sound meaningless and random as i write them here but the truth is, it felt good to give myself the time to acknowledge everything that drifted into my consciousness in such a reflective way.

i realized in that moment that i am feeling exhausted. it’s as if i have been running for the last 24 days straight. so for the next 4 days, i am going to be still. i’m not going to be by my phone at all times, i’m going to listen when people talk and be quiet in the moments alone. i’ve put an auto-responder on my email until sunday and i am just going to fully live in the moment, enjoy and love the people who are with me and just simply be. so, if you are like me and always on the go, try taking 7 minutes today to pay attention to your thoughts with no distractions. lock yourself in a room if you have to and just see where your mind goes. it might surprise you how refreshed you feel after such a short period of reflection. and with that, i’ll be back next week friends, and when i am, i have so much more to share <3\

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